OMG, Did You Just Poke A Hole in Me?!

Hey joonies,

I hope you all had a faaaaaabulous weekend- only the best for all of you :)

If your Irooni family is anything like mine then you were incredibly sheltered growing up.  No rated R movies… PG-13 if your family was feeling generous, no interactions with boys, and sadly, you were EXCUSED from sex-education in junior high and high school.

I was the ONE kid who was forced to go to the library during science class while everyone else got to watch awkward sex-ed videos and read about the female/male genitalia.  Instead, I wrote a five-page paper on Osmosis.  How exciting.  I remember kids coming out of class laughing hysterically at the video they had to watch that day, or poking fun at the teacher for saying “penis” or “pubic hair” in class… and I really hated that I couldn’t be a part of it.

Shunned from sex talk EVERYWHERE

While kids were making jokes about blow jobs or holding 2 fingers up, which was supposed to mean “masturbating,” I was just lost.  I had no idea what any of it meant.  Two fingers means masturbating?  Sticking your tongue between two fingers means eating out?  WHAT THE FUCK IS EATING OUT? What’s so dirty about sucking on a popsicle?

These were the questions I struggled with in the ninth grade while the other kids just laughed at their so-called “creativity.” 

What’s so dirty about a hot dog? Minus Bachmann’s mouth…

The biggest reason I couldn’t understand these references was because I didn’t know that girls had another hole that didn’t involve peeing.  I thought sex was when the penis rubbed against a girl’s “private part.”  Being forbidden to use tampons didn’t help my ignorance.

What can you expect when my parent’s version of the “sex talk” involved the MOST ridiculous interpretation you can ever imagine.  When I asked where babies came from, my parents told me that when you really love someone, you make love (no further details provided).  Therefore, I thought “making love” was holding hands at the sushi restaurant (which we only went to on SPECIAL occasions).  

I had NO backups… if only we had the internetS back then

So imagine my surprise the first time I ever went to second base (getting “fingered”).  

It was the summer after ninth grade (told you, I started early… all that censorship didn’t keep the curiosity away).  I told my parents I was going to dinner with my girlfriends, when really, I was going to meet my ninth grade boyfriend at the movie theaters.  We chose an outdated, unpopular movie and sat in the last row.  As the movie started, we started kissing and feeling around.

Messy make out: check. People in theaters: NO check

He put his hands in my pants and suddenly, it felt like someone poked a hole in my “private part.”  I pushed him away and asked him what the fuck he was doing, to which he answered (nonchalantly), “um fingering you…”

That summer day I discovered I had another hole (not including my koon).    

Wait… do it again, I kinda liked that

The problem with being sheltered is this: I wasn’t prepared for ANYTHING.  I had to learn the hard way… in the moment.  If I had known that there would be some type of penetration, I would have made damn sure that not only were his hands clean, but that it didn’t happen at the fucking movie theaters.

What’s the point of keeping your kid in the dark?  I truly believe that if I had been educated enough to know not just about how people’s bodies work… but what the risks or possible outcomes were, then I would have been more inclined to take precautions rather than having my first sexual experience at a public venue.

If I HAD been more aware of SEX, then my experiences COULD have been more closely aligned with this:

Movie theaters ain’t got nothing on this

Rather than this:

OMG why does his penis move…

Okay, that’s pretty unlikely– sex is always awkward when you first start doing it.  But I would have really liked to know that I had a fucking HOLE that boys were going to try to get at.  Is that really too much to ask?!

So for all you sheltered joonies out there wondering what sex really means, just remember this:

Don’t be afraid to ask questions from someone OTHER than your Irooni mother.  Sometimes the best lessons come from experience.  

But most importantly, BE SAFE.

Make sure hands are clean and nails are trimmed (just sayin’)

Am I the only one who was sheltered enough to NOT know that sex involved penetration?






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  1. I was excused from sex-ed in elementary school as well. In sixth grade, the teacher unexpectedly showed a sex-ed video. I knew my mother was totally against it, but I was WAY too curious so I sat down and watched it. Everybody in the class was laughing and making jokes- they had already been through this. I was mortified. “How does his thing fit in there??” was the thought running through my head repeatedly. That day changed my life.
    Everything started to make sense now…all the dirty jokes, hand gestures, referances, EVERYTHING.

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