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Welcome to the Internet Where the Creepers Play

Hey jooooons,

Enough of this future talk.  You only live once right? #YOLO.

(jk– take care of your shit).

Shots shots shots!

Let’s get right to it.  Where do you meet guys?  At work?  In your apartment building?

WISDOM: DON’T SHIT WHERE YOU SLEEP.

#TRUESTORY

Basically, we’re expected to meet our “soul mates” at bars? Umm house parties? Through friends?  Right.  Luckily for us, we have a new hook-up.  We don’t have to resort to talking to creepers at bars anymore because NOW we have online dating sites that promise to hook us up with our future husband/wife in just a few clicks!

Click for loooove

Of course, back in the day– online dating sites were OVERFILLED with negative stigmas:

– Everyone is desperate.

– They all lie about their age, what they look like, and their career.

– You never know if you’re talking to a rapist.

BUZZ KILL OVERLOAD. 

But then, something changed.  Dating websites like OKCupid and Match became popular.  So much that even some of my FRIENDS started admitting that they met their boyfriends or their WIVES on an online site.

My initial reaction:

BUT THEY’RE ALL CHILD MOLESTERS?!!?! … and FAT!!! 

Then I realized, everyone is doing it.  And so the fuck what?  If you really think about it, meeting someone online is ALMOST the same as giving your number to a RANDO at the bar, forgetting his name/what he looks like, and then meeting up with him the next weekend.

And what surprised me even more is that the people around me actually fell in love with the person they met on their respective dating website.  So I signed up and even went on a few dates. What’s the worst that could happen? FREE FOOD BABY! #I’mAFattie.

Plus, I’d heard good things about one particular website (its free) and I wasn’t exactly down to pay for an “experiment.”

Dating websites are for EVERYONE

I made a profile and waited. And here is what I was greeted with:

Message 1: “If you let me give you foot massages, I will take you out to dinners and buy you nice dresses.”

WTF.

Message 2: “I like your eyes… especially the right one.”

OMG YOU’RE SO FUNNY- LET’S DATE NOW! Not.  

Then I was hit with THIS message: “I wanna call you Stacey, but that’s not your name!!” No shit homie- my profile says I’M MIDDLE EASTERN.

I could go on forever with the amount of weird, creepy, GUYSJUSTDON’THAVEGAME messages I got… but I feel like that would take up the ENTIRE post so I’ll leave you with my favorite (from a PERSIAN): “I’m Persian too, can we chat on Yahoo messenger?” #FOB.  It all comes down to this:

Creepers are EVERYWHERE.

And when they’re not sending you weird messages, they’re checking your profile repeatedly without SAYING ANYTHING, or they ARE sending you messages but they don’t have a photo so you have NO idea what this person could even look like.  And that’s just weird.  Don’t message me if you’re not going to show me what you look like.  Hey– I put up MY real photo :)

But my point is that creepers aren’t just online.  They’re at work… at the bar… at your girlfriend’s house.  You just have to be smart enough to be able to detect Homie CRAYCRAY. Which I thought I was.

My First Online Date:

It happened to be with a Persian guy.  No, NOT Mr. I’m Still on Yahoo Messenger, but some guy getting his Master’s and working full-time, filming documentaries on the side… Sounded very promising.  We met up— added bonus: he was actually attractive.  He wined and dined me– took me to expensive restaurants, nice bars, spent money on me.  It was really nice– if I were a Grade A LA Persian girl.  Honestly,  I’d rather just grab a pizza and get to know YOU not your money.

FAIL.

Plus, I really couldn’t imagine having sex with him.

DOUBLE FAIL.

This was not going to be us

The biggest factor in deciding not to continue seeing him … there were SO many other guys that were messaging me that Persian just seemed like one of MANY FISH IN THE SEA.  And I wasn’t quite ready to reel it in JUST YET.  I stopped responding (BitchModeActivated) and went ON TO THE NEXT.

Let’s call him Desperation.

Desperation was a white guy– mid-Western (I don’t know why they all come to the East Coast, but damn they’re hot).  He was funny and he planned fun dates.  We went out and got burgers, went to museums, laughed, played in the snow.  It was fun.

Until I bailed out on him one weekend.  My friend needed me to “wing-woman” (did NOT tell him that) and LET’S BE REAL- I’m not choosing some RANDOM over my homegirl… EVER because I need my METH.  I tried to make it up to him by inviting him to dinner the next night when he responded, “Honestly, I’m a little skeptical after you couldn’t make it the other night.  I get the impression we’re interested in different things.  It doesn’t make sense to me to continue things if we are looking for different things.”

I’m sorry- I didn’t realize you were a MIND READER or maybe I’m just that TRANSPARENT that you just KNOW what I’m thinking after two dates.  

RED FLAG. 

I just don’t date psychos, sorry!

Unfortunately, his text message didn’t end our online courtship.  He needed to have a discussion with me about why it didn’t work.  LOVE THAT.  (sarcasm)

You really can’t tell much about a dating website from TWO people.  It just doesn’t work like that and I realize that you have to date a variety of guys before you meet someone you connect with.  You have to kiss a whole lot of frogs before finding someone worthy.  

Online dating sites help direct your search.  It provides you with the platform to meet people with similar interests AND it allows for a semi-accurate screening process.  You can weed out most of the crazies by just one glance.  NOT something we can always do at a bar.

But this is what I found out– while I think that dating websites really are a GREAT tool in getting out there and meeting new people, they’re like a buffet.

You have so many choices, you just can’t settle on one item and stick with it.  You’re constantly wondering what/who else is out there and you keep going back for seconds (and thirds).

Take Mr. Desperation- the SECOND he thought things weren’t working out, he was ready to move on to the next online profile.  That’s a problem.

 So will I continue my “experiment?”  Probably not.  But don’t let ME discourage you. Its just not for me… BUT, online dating makes it slightly easier to meet guys.  And we can always use new friends… PLUS- how many of us have hooked up from someone we chatted with a few times via Facebook?  Don’t lie.

Unless they message you with something like this:

“I’m not even hitting on you: It is so refreshing to see a Middle Eastern girl that isn’t obese. If you’re ever on a guy’s  profile please search Middle Eastern females and you’ll see what I mean.”

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

Follow me on Twitter because you loooove me @Farrah_Joon

Cheers to only being “obese” on the inside,

FARRAH فرح
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Comments

  1. Having met my significant other the old fashioned way, through a drunken haze in a skeezy bar, I didn’t think much of online dating at first. But then, all of a sudden, I found all my friends, some coworkers, cousins, friends’ parents were online dating – everyone is doing it! – swapping war stories, and trading strategies. The strategizing seems way more complicated than offline dating. To your point about the buffet, in the back of people’s minds is how can I maximize my efficiency on this site, get my money’s worth, or find the best I can get, etc. A coworker told me, “I’m going on this date tonight and the guy is a 99% match to me. I know I won’t want to date myself, (actually she said she’d be a better friend to herself than lover which I’m still hung up on) but I’m too curious to not go.” That’s a lot of thinking about a relationship that hasn’t even started yet! I admire people who online date because it sounds exhausting, exhausting to find the “right” person and exhausting for me to listen to the next day.

  2. LOL, so entertaining! Having my first FB date next week, wish me luck!!

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