If I Was Your Boyfriend

Hi joonjoons,

I’ve had an interesting week… to say the least (F#ck, it’s only Tuesday).  I’ve been catching up with some old college friends and it’s been a little disappointing.

Let me recap.

One of my friends has been calling me a lot recently- during work hours, late at night (I’m three hours ahead yo- don’t forget that sh*t), all day err day.  I finally had a chance to call her back to make sure everything was okay.

When your friend is calling you that excessively, it’s usually because someone DIED.

Luckily, that was not the case.  Instead, she had to gush all about her new relationship, which hey- that’s awesome.

I’m all for supporting my friends no matter what crazy shit they get into.

But please don’t call me in the middle of the night about it- just saying.  I don’t enjoy being woken up, especially when you’re trying to obsess about how much you love some guy I’ve never heard you talk about.

Halfway through the conversation, my friend says: “I just love him so much.”

“Umm you mean like his personality or actually love him?”

“No, I really love him.”

Oh, did I mention that they’ve been together for three weeks?

I consider “love” to be a pretty serious emotion and so when I hear someone who claims to be “IN love,” I imagine that they’ve probably established a solid foundation to their relationship.

Call me crazy, but I personally don’t believe that it is possible to be in love after being with someone for less than a month.

You might think it’s love, but really, it’s excitement/overstimulation aka LUST.

It’s so easy to confuse the excitement of a new relationship- the butterflies, the jitters, the tingly feeling that comes from wanting to be with that person all the time— with love.

I’m not going to waste your time describing to you what love is because I THINK that everyone feels it differently… and frankly, I just don’t have enough experience to talk about it like I’m some kind of expert.

But an expert on failed relationships and wanting to get the F#CK out of something potentially serious after a month?

I’m your girl.

With that said, it takes a certain type of person to actually believe they feel the strongest emotion toward someone they’ve been seeing for only a few weeks — a certain type of insecurity.

You’re quick to fall in love in your mid-2os because you’re terrified of the idea of ending up alone.

This is something that so many of my friends who’ve come out of a failed relationship are dealing with.  This is something that I struggled with when my last relationship didn’t last.

I wanted it to work out so badly because a part of me just wanted to stop worrying about having to look for another potentially serious boyfriend aka future husband.  I wanted to be in love with him, but I was smart enough to recognize that our relationship was NO WHERE near that level.

I can’t emphasize enough how effing happy I am that I didn’t con myself into thinking I loved him, JUST because I wanted the search for a husband to be over — that would have been a serious mistake.

Is it just me or do our standards lower the older we get?  My older friends always say, “Well, you won’t pay attention to those ‘turn-offs’ when you’re older.  You just can’t be picky after a certain age.”

Um why the hell not?  Because there are less fish in the sea?

Our age shouldn’t give men the excuse to be a total douche and we should certainly not be justifying their d-bag tendencies because WE are getting older.

Last I checked, they’re not getting any younger either.

But in reality, we’re all striving for that “connection” with someone that we can potentially see a future with.  But some of us are yearning for it so bad that we forget what’s important.

You’ll never be in a successful relationship if you aren’t truly happy being on your own.  It’s when you’re content with yourself that you can finally open up to someone else and truly feel every emotion that fulfills a successful relationship.

You’re “in love” with someone after three weeks out of fear, NOT because you’re “meant to be together.”

Being in a relationship requires you to be able to be vulnerable and how can you be vulnerable with anyone if you aren’t secure with yourself?

I’m the queen of anti-vulnerability- but if you’re not willing to be dependent and allow someone to see that side of you then you’re forever branded with: INTIMACY ISSUES.

I’m so tired of seeing people who are constantly looking for a relationship- whether it’s at the bars or at work just because they can’t wait to simply BE with someone– to have the title.

Titles don’t mean shit if you can’t make it on your own.

Relationships fail when you’re not secure because every emotion that you feel on your own is heightened when you’re with someone else — and they directly experience all your insecurities with you.

I’m not saying that in order to be in a successful relationship, you have to be 100% secure with yourself- because that’s a myth… it’s unattainable.

We’re all insecure about SOMETHING. 

But if you can’t be happy on your own, how do you expect someone else to be happy when they’re with you?  How do you expect to sustain a healthy relationship when every second, you’re horrified that he/she might leave?

A relationship doesn’t equal happiness #sorrybro

A relationship isn’t going to magically fulfill every missing thing in your life.

So here’s to being happy being on your own– enjoying time with friends and realizing that if you do intend to get married someday, your single days are NUMBERED, so you best be enjoying that shit before it’s too late.

 Sorry to be a buzzkill.  Just a little fed up with over-enthusiastic relationship seekers.

(who isn’t?)






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  1. I hear it all the time. Nice read. Love your writing.

  2. sohrab esfandiar says:

    insecurity is like a pendulum. people who don’t take interpersonal risks for fear of becoming vulnerable and put up a front of self-sufficiency behave just as insecurely as people who NEED to be in a relationship to feel safe.

  3. That was refreshing.

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