Saaghi here. Its hard to follow after Maz/Jimmy Vestvood, but I’m going to try.
I worked an 18 hour day yesterday, and so tonight, I came home and got high. Loner stoner is not my usual thing- actually never–but Ive discovered a new level stress thanks to my job. Its even giving me bad dreams, like last night–
I had a nightmare that my Persian Dad found out that I write for Sex& Fessenjoon. And he wouldn’t speak to me, even as I pleaded while balling me eyes out.
I woke up feeling just as sad as I was in my dream, but confused why it affected me so much?
For me, #SEXANDFESSENJOON is all about thinking twice about all that you’ve always been told is wrong, or zesht (dirty, looked down on, ugly, etc). And partially,
its about defending my right to get high in my underwear, by myself, after work–as a Persian girl.
Or my right to have sex outside of a relationship.
Or even my right to be INAPPROPRIATE.
Cause lets be real, there are too many fucking rules.
My confession though– Some rules only make sense after your break them.
Especially the ones that you break over and over again.
So what’s a rule I regret breaking?
I am very happy I am not a virgin, and I am sexually active.
I do regret getting used to having emotionless, casual sex.
Of course its not just me, its a lot of people– but its a bad habit, and once you know how to separate emotions from sex, you forget how to put it back in. I know some girls attach SO much to sex–
and its actually a powerful experience to be able to walk away from a bed knowing you didnt leave any part of yourself behind–even if he thinks you did.
And I am addicted to that power. I haven’t had sex with many people, but I could (and thats what scares me). I never fall for the guys I sleep with, I’ll even stop liking them after we’ve had sex…Maybe it’s a type of maneating, but its quite debilitating. Casual sex is so much my M.O. that I don’t know what its like to have emotional sex, so I really can’t even participate if it happens to me.
The last time I had thought about making love was when I was a virgin.
So I decided a few months ago to try to RE-sensitize myself to the whole ‘love-sex’ thing by waiting to have sex with a guy I would fall really hard for.
Fast forward past a couple of relapses—
I met someone recently I kinda felt a spark with, and I slept with him on the second date. (third dep on how you count ha!) Slutty mistake? Maybe. I liked him before we ended up having sex, but the morning after I was ready to walk away.
I thought to myself, Why do you give it up so soon if you know it makes you feel so unattached afterwards?
And then it hit me– I’m not having casual sex. I am making sex casual.
I hadn’t planned on sleeping with this guy so early, but when it happened it was as big of a deal to me as ordering an extra slice of cheesecake. I enjoyed it that night, and the next morning I want to run it off.
I need to learn how to leave a piece of myself in the bedroom. Sex is a way of being intimate, but if I can’t practice it for that– how will I ever get really close to someone?
Taking the feelings out of sex is my way of staying in control of my emotions, because I don’t trust them for a second. And here’s the chicken and egg problem–
I don’t know what came first, Fear of Intimacy or Emotionless sex?
For now I’m in practice mode, I’m trying to reattach my heart to my sex organ.
Did you miss me? Cause I missed you guys. Farrah joon and I got to spend some Quality time together over thanksgiving.. eating.. of course. If you’ve ever wondered what our relationship is like, here is a typical Farrah/Saaghi conversation:
(Oh btw, I finally switched to team iphone, R.I.P Crackberry)
TWEET ME: @SAAGHI_JOON