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My Persian Mom Went Through My Stuff and Found…

A recent email from a Sweet Joonie with a Sour Problem. (Like Fessenjoon!)

Ok, we won’t quit blogging for comedy. But we gave her good enough advice that she allowed us to share her plight with the world, in hopes that maybe we could garner some more good insight!….

Hey girls,

I just wanted to say how much I love your blog and how much insight I get by reading it. With that said, I’ve run into a bit of a problem recently and would love to get some advice from you.

I am a 20 year old college student living on my own.

My parents live just about 15 minutes away from me. Yesterday, while I was in class, they decided to come over and bring me food (even though I specifically told them I would be in class until 5:30pm). When I left in the morning, my apartment wasn’t in the best shape, I had papers scattered everywhere, clothes on the ground, my bed wasn’t made, etc.

My mom, being the foozool (nosy) mom she is, absolutely LOVES going through my things, but doesn’t dare call it snooping, no… she’s “just helping me.”

Here’s where I’m stuck: I had a tiny plastic bag sitting on the bottom of my nightstand with 3 opened condom wrappers inside. I had every intention of throwing them out but forgot with school and such on my mind…

So what does my mom decide to do after she hangs my clothes and makes my bed?

image

She decided to open that plastic bag that obviously looked like garbage to see what was inside and to her surprise 3 used condom wrappers fell out…

(thankfully no actual condoms)

I call her up immediately, extremely upset that they came over without telling me and went through all my things nonetheless. You know how you can hear the sadness in people’s voices, especially a parent? Well, I heard it alright.

She didn’t say anything about what she’d found and I really don’t know what I’d say back.

Persians, religious or not, frown upon the idea of premarital sex, alcohol, drugs, etc. But what do you do when you’re hidden life is suddenly discovered?

Should I deny deny deny at all costs or come clean? It’s important to note that although I wasn’t raised very traditionally, my parents still have a core belief in certain things and sex was definitely one of them – just slightly unspoken of/kept in the dark.

What do you Joonies think? What do you do when your two worlds meet? #thedoublelife

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XX,

THE S&F TEAM
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Comments

  1. BIlly Django says:

    Joonie,

    Be true to yourself and to your parents. They already know you’re having pre-marital sex. Don’t let them think you’re a liar, too. If they ask, you can always say, “Well, aren’t you proud of the fact that I have safe sex?”

    You’re 20. At some point, everyone needs to come clean to their parents about who they are. If they ask, it means they’re ready for the shock. If they don’t, they’re just avoiding the conversation. But remember, whenever the conversation comes up, be honest. It’s only way forward.

    When you’re honest, either they’ll get mad, but forgive you ultimately, or they’ll understand.

    Unless your baba joon is a villain from the old Fardin movies, don’t stress out. :) (If he is a villain from Fardin movies, then, remember, the law is on your side.)

  2. I feel like it would be so liberating to come clean with my parents on my terms that is notin the way it happened to you. I know their view of me would change and there would be initial disappointment. But on the other hand I know I would be much more comfortable and have a much more rewarding relationship with them. Is it selfish of me to come clean? idk? But I do know it is selfish of them to wan’t us to hide so much from them.

  3. Been there says:

    I feel as if I can relate to all these posts :D

    My parents/mum didn’t find condoms etc but I believe she found my birth control pills..because again doesn’t matter how much you hide things they’re always “helping around” aka snooping through your stuff whilst tiding up.

    She never mentioned anything for a year or so..I was in a long term relationship at the time but then she asked me if I have had a pap test to which I said no but thanks mum thats a good idea (lol) and we know you don’t have those until you’re sexually active.

    I am and was at the time slightly older than you so it could have made a slight difference but at the end of the day, I don’t think our parents are so naive to think we are all going to wait to marry that doktor/mohandes before we have sex. However it is still hard for them to accept the reality of it.

    I would say give it time and don’t lie about it if she confronts you. As Billy said you don’t want to be a liar.

    Also another word of advice from a fellow jooni :)..unless you are willing to sacrifice your life and your own happiness for the sake of your parent’s happiness, be prepared for worse than this. Regardless of how much of a good Iranian girl you are, there will be times where your morals and values will clash with that of your parents’ or your culture’s. Think of this as good practice for those times in the future :) I am or should I say was most Iranian families’ dream daughter. I never partied hard/smoked/drank and I went to law school. I worked hard and studied hard. I have 3 degrees and I was a virgin at 25 having grown all of my life out of Iran. You get the picture..nevertheless when as an adult I decided to no longer make LIFE CHOICES based on what kept my parents happy, I also heard that sadness in their voices…anything from moving out to my choices in men was breaking their heart..my dad even seemed really depressed for a while because I decided that I wanted to be with someone who wasn’t a dr or mohandes and was much older than me. It did guilt tripped me for a loonnnng time..I almost broke up with my partner a few times because I couldn’t take the “sadness in their voices/eyes”. But I decided to stand up to my choices and eventually when they saw that I was happy they came around :)

    Jooni at the end of the day you’re their daughter and they love you no matter what. As long as you show them that you are smart enough and can look after yourself, they will learn to let go of the sadness and accept you for you!

    xxx

  4. Been there says:

    wow sorry for the long essay

  5. “PERSIANS, RELIGIOUS OR NOT, FROWN UPON THE IDEA OF PREMARITAL SEX, ALCOHOL, DRUGS, ETC. BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE HIDDEN LIFE IS SUDDENLY DISCOVERED?”

    Speak for yourself. Maybe the Iranians you know or the religious whackos in some dahat village….but not the ones in the USA, at least the ones who’ve been in the USA for 15+ years

    • You’re a Persian guy. Persian guys have it way easier than Persian girls do.

      • marymoosh says:

        I’ve been in America since 1984. My dad ran a club with my amu. smoked butts and drank… Not religious at all. I have a masters am pursuing post grad work & have my own home .. completely Self sufficient as I’m nearing 30 & to my parents I’m still an innocent child that hasn’t seen or done shit. Soooo speak for yourself .

    • Wrongo! I know firsthand as well as many other GIRLS who feel that their parents discourage sexuality. Maybe Peyman you wouldn’t really understand you’re probably male and we all know there’s a HUGE difference in how parents treat daughters vs sons. Or maybe you lucked out but even I was brought up in LA in a circle of non-religious but sexually conservative parents and we were all girls. As a lesbian you can imagine how intensely difficult it was to come out. I was too scared I actually moved out first and THEN came clean. I feel much better now and wish I had had the strength to come out while I lived there but it’s not easy without siblings or cousins who are close to you & your family who will back you up. In the end Joonie it’s up to you and what you feel comfortable with but if you live on your own and pay your own bills you shouldn’t be afraid to be honest with your parents and push THEM to deal with the fact that you’re a woman in 2014 in USA. They’re tougher than you think but if you don’t say anything they will be happy to never change.

  6. Modern Day Girl, Modern Day Problems says:

    My initial reaction when I read this post, was DENY DENY DENY at all costs and if that fails then run for the hills. My persian parents are the same, and regardless of how progressive or acclimated they may be to the modern day american culture they chose to raise us in, nothing can ever change the traditional values that they were raised with. In their eyes there are few fates worse for a young iranian woman than par taking in pre marital sex. Most of our mothers will only ever have one sexual partner, and the notion of purity is a prided upon by most brides, if not required. So where does this leave the daughters of the women that were raised in a world where a woman’s worth is equated by a select few socially accepted factors? The problem we all struggle with finding a balance between the Iranian culture that our parents pride themselves so strongly in, and the radical contrast it holds to, well, the rest of western civilization. What the first generation of American Iranian’s lack is an acclimated, progressive culture that stays true to our roots and traditional values that play such a strong role in forming our characters as individuals. Our world is found wanting of a space wherein our traditional values and modern progressive ideals can be upheld in a manner that doesn’t ostracise us from either culture. I mean, we can’t very well run around covering our tracks from our parents for the rest of our lives, and I for one, don’t feel like I am committing some sort of adulterous sin by gaining a little sexual experience, regardless of whether or not it is deemed socially appropriate by my parents. We shouldn’t be shamed into compliance to the life style our parents choose for us. If we all lived as our parent’s dreamed we would there would be a hell of a lot more nuns in the world, and I have no intention of walking every step of my life in the carefully paved path my parents would ideally choose. And at the end of the day, our parents insistent need to “control”/ “judge” us on our actions, rooted in their incessant need to protect us. Better to surround us in familiarity of the culture they trust as opposed to risking the chance of us being exposed to a culture that they were presented to through rock and roll posters and 80s films.

  7. find love

  8. Not being Persian, but raised Catholic, I can definitely relate to the hush hush sex attitude. Moving into a new apartment is always hard, but when you have a nosy Catholic mother who can’t help but snoop, it becomes a monumental task. I have a small bedside cabinet that I keep for my personal party items, and I had taped it shut and placed all the items inside in a few cloth bags that would keep them safe and away (theoretically) from prying eyes. My momma, the ever sneaky, angrily claimed she was “re-taping it” to make it more secure, and “discovered” Hitachi, condoms, and some Vargas girl style nude pin-ups I did for a photo shoot.

    After that the rest of the day was awkward and uncomfortable, not only because of the sweltering heat and the shame of god, but because my momma saw prints of me sexually posing nude with a phone in my hand.

  9. Not being Persian, but raised Catholic, I can definitely relate to the hush hush sex attitude. Moving into a new apartment is always hard, but when you have a nosy Catholic mother who can’t help but snoop, it becomes a monumental task. I have a small bedside cabinet that I keep for my personal party items, and I had taped it shut and placed all the items inside in a few cloth bags that would keep them safe and away (theoretically) from prying eyes. My momma, the ever sneaky, angrily claimed she was “re-taping it” to make it more secure, and “discovered” Hitachi, condoms, and some Vargas girl style nude pin-ups I did for a photo shoot.

    After that the rest of the day was awkward and uncomfortable, not only because of the sweltering heat and the shame of god, but because my momma saw prints of me sexually posing nude with a phone in my hand.

  10. Yepppp. Both my sister and I have gone through this kind of stuff with both my parents. My mom is Iranian but was raised here in a pretty liberal family so while her parents were still pretty strict we never were scared to go through that kind of stuff with her but my baba is just as nosy and not quite as liberal as he was raised in Iran in a pretty conservative family. He’s really flip-floppy with his shit which makes it even more confusing. He’ll be whatever about drinking or even smoking but pot and pre-martial sex is such a BIG DEAL. Anyways I would say just get it out yeah he might be mad at first and make a big deal about it. My baba did the whole sob story and how I was going to ruin us all with my shenanigans. He got over it eventually. He still brings up shit and how I “put him through hell” but he knows I’m an adult and he has to accept the fact that I’m going to do what I do and he doesn’t have to support or like it it’s not his problem because I’m not asking for money to buy condoms.

    • saeeddelavari says:

      I am baba hut if think respect for any where means same meaning if know in us lows give you right to do what you want to do but I tell you you something very true Iranian parents love their children more than themselves

  11. saeeddelavari says:

    I am one of those parents whom talk about them. do the sex but do not get pregnant because you want finish your school and I am proud of her because she got safe sex

  12. joonie, even in iran right now girls are like “in your face” about sex to their parents. so, its not a big deal no more, and if it isnt here, then it shouldnt be there too. :)

  13. Joonie,
    I would follow the advise of our friends above re “hey, at least I’m being safe.” As my baba would tell me every time I went on a trip abroad, “Even the pretty ones have AIDS!” If it really does come up, tell them that you know the risks and that you’re taking the appropriate precautions. Don’t let your parents give you the all-to-famous “you’re bringing shame and guilt,” or “vaht vill de jame’eh say?!” Emphasize that you’re an adult taking necessary precautions, and always clean up right after the fun is over so this won’t have to happen :)

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