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Baby, You’re a Firework

Joonies,

I think I’m going through some growing pains – or the lack of dating happening in my life right now is pushing me over the edge. Life always feels a little more boring when you’re personal-personal life isn’t cracking. Then again, when I think about dating… I think about how much I really hate it.

I know I’m supposed to “enjoy the beginning” and the fireworks, but to me – dating looks a bit different than shooting stars and moonlight walks by the beach.

Please excuse any signs of bitterness – this is probably a direct result of my need to get screwed.

First – all of our senses are heightened.

wait

1. Anxiety – is he a stalker/rapist? 

This could merely be my Persian paranoia – but you never know these days. And who’s going to tell me how safe the guy I met at the Middle East Young Professionals Happy Hour is? NO ONE.

*Sidenote: Google is a beautiful thing. I know some people argue about “leaving something to mystery,” but fuck that – if you can guarantee me that I’m 100% safe then I’ll relinquish all cyber-stalking rights.

2. Fear – will he like me? 

I don’t mean to sound like the needy/whiny girl we all love to hate – but let’s be honest, we all go through it at one point or another (man or woman).

You can never escape your insecurities – that extra roll in your stomach is going to come up in your head when you’re about to invite a guy in.

gl

3. Nausea – commonly mistaken for butterflies. 

I know this is what some people call excitement but I literally feel sick. I’m shaky, I feel like I could either shit my pants or throw up. You pick, what’s better? For five minutes before the date, I’m a mess –  my date could be Elmo and I would still want to duck and cover. I really resent those five minutes… no matter how special they’re supposed to be.

Furthermore – when it comes to dating… I hate the person it can turn you into. When you first meet someone, you’re always putting up a front. No one is truly themselves until well into a relationship.

With a job – after three interviews, you’re offered a position. With dating – after three dates, you’re still at risk for no callbacks.

– The Yes Girl

This is the impress phase. You dress to impress and you agree to impress (sex to impress comes later… unless you like to get down like that). I’ve had the same first-date outfit for the past two years – no I’m kidding – but really, the extra-cleavage bra, tight pants, heavy eyeliner is so not me. 

Agree agree agree – we want to have something in common with whoever we are out with and sometimes, you find yourself agreeing to something you would not normally be into. Like hiking.

Hey, I know I originally said I’d be down to go hiking, but the truth is I’m a smoker and I’m also afraid of heights. I’d really rather not choke on air or crawl into your lap shaking with fear. Sorry.

clap – The Over Analyzer 

The girl who is constantly obsessing over what to respond, or what he meant by that text, or why he wrote “k” instead of “ok.”

This girl is the bane of my existence and I am her.

And it really pisses me off. I know better – and I feel like most girls do know better, but we all lose sight of that as soon as a penis is involved. We don’t really freak out about why mom hasn’t texted us back. We freak out when the guy we went on a date with didn’t even bother to get us dessert.

– Flash to the Future 

This girl is not me. The girl who oozes optimism. After one date, she’s texting her friends like, “Omg we had such an amazing connection. I hope this works out.”

I guess my question is – what do you hope will work out? What is this guy offering you after one date? It’s as if we push aside all rationality and let the infatuation take us over.

Omggg he makes $$$$, I can so see a future with him. 

I’m sorry joons – I don’t mean to come off bitter and I’m really not. I think it all just comes down to this:

We’re all trying so hard to impress, we forget to be real and just be ourselves.

I always feel like its after the courtship/dating that the real work of getting to know each other starts to come out. And I know all these things come with time – but if you ask me, there comes a day where you answer a f#cking a text message because you are (wo)man enough to be honest or you just put down the damn fork and tell him you’d rather eat with your hands. And I’d really rather not have to wait until the second trimester for all of that.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

FACEBOOK US

TWEET AT ME: @FARRAH_JOON

xoxo,

FARRAH فرح
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Comments

  1. Quite agreeable; love this.

  2. Golshifteh says:

    Oh honey…. This blog has become so self-obsessed and pissy that I can no longer relate. Is this supposed to be a forum for helping other young women or is it just a means for you to work through your own bullshit? Clearly, your personal life is such a mess that you must be delusional to think you have anything to offer us readers. A guy took you hiking? Oh no! Something new! You might get out of your own ugly, neurotic comfort zone. And who are you to complain about even going on dates? Do you know how many girls can’t get a guy to notice them at all? I’m so over this blog, just like EVERY guy you meet is so over YOU. Please find a bus and throw yourself in front of it. Thx :)

    • Hello,

      Sorry you don’t like this post, or most of the recent posts on the blog. We definitely do want this to be forum to help other young women, and while we may vent sometimes – we in no way want that to become a path to being self-obsessed and naggy. Please, if you have any suggestions on topics– send them over! Or even better, write a post and we’d be happy to feature it.

      :) all that aside though, by asking Farrah to “throw herself in front of a bus” it makes me question how old you are and if this is even appropriate reading material for you.

      Or maybe I just missed the memo on when it became cool or OK to suggest people to kill themselves because of a blog post.

      Best,
      Saaghi

    • It’s a blog mam! its basically about someone sharing his/her experiences preferably in a witty and humorous way for other people to read n relate and draw their own conclusion or merely just enjoy the humor if they cannot relate. Forgive me but it is kinda meant to be self-obsessed. Unfortunately Farrah probably does not have the pleasure/displeasure of knowing you hence she cannot write about your life . I always love it when people like you express so much hatred and aggressiveness simply just cuz they didn’t like something. if you don’t like it then just close the window and go watch tv or sumin. ridiculous!

  3. Wow, I don’t agree with Golshifteh’s over-exaggerated and hurtful comment at all. This post was relatable, timely, and thoughtful. Thanks Farrah

  4. Golshifteh says:

    Farrah and Saggi,
    I apologize. The bus comment was wrong and awful.

  5. Shervin says:

    Can we go out???

  6. smokeygem says:

    ugh, another great blog post. keep em comin babies!

  7. nottellingyou says:

    *this is a hypothetical story*

    i’m a convicted child sex offender. i was 18, she was 15 and 9 months. i’ve been criminally prosecuted and served my sentence as directed. if you googled me, you’d think i was the catholic church.

    i’m a top guy. i’m not sure if i did anything wrong to have deserved what’s happened to me, but life goes on. for me it grinds on, but i don’t stop. i still meet girls on a weekly basis, get my fuck on as much as i can (which is regularly) all thanks to my impossible jewish name.

    whatchu got farrah?

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