I also just got back from vacay and it was amazing. Today was a depressing day. When I first opened my eyes this morning, I had forgotten I was back… at home… to my daily routine. Ah but so is life.
Here’s a little preview of my five days of heaven:
Vacation is always nice – it allows me to stop and just reflect on my life. Sounds deep – but really, that lasts about five minutes and then I turn over. (And yes, my burnt chicken tan has now turned into a golden red).
Going back home for me is always the same story – there’s a lot of emphasis on what I’m doing and where I’m going, etc. And I feel like I talk about this all. the. damn. time.
Whenever I’m living in reality (working, daily routine), I can avoid that nagging voice in the back of my mind that keeps questioning what’s next?
But when I step outside my daily routine… that’s when I end up facing those looming anxieties.
I feel like no matter what phase of my life I have gone through – I always end up with the same exact fears and “ah shit” moments where I’m trying to figure out what’s going on in my life. After college, you’re scrambling to find a job (in an economy that actually blows) – and if you’re already working, you’re trying to figure out your next step,
Should I take a risk?
Should I stay at this job?
Should I fight for a promotion?
Should I move on?
I think back to high school when my problems seemed big and I realize that high school was easy. Take me back there. I think about the future, and it feels like those responsibilities and decisions that you’ll eventually have to face just keep getting bigger – kids, buying a home, marriage, shiiiit.
These are a lot of questions that I’ve been facing lately – whether to venture out on my own and try something different, or maintain the life that I’ve built now. I’m happy so why am I already freaking out about the future?
Sometimes I feel like my biggest motivation is pride and anxiety.
Pride over always being the best and anxiety over not being the best. Tricky huh. When I was visiting my parents over the last few days, my dad decided to have a mehmooni. It’s July 4th dige, the American holiday where we come together, eat kabob, drink, and maybe go see fireworks if enough people can actually drive.
There were about 20 guests there – many of whom have daughters much younger than me (either entering or graduating college). And continuously, throughout the party – many of the parents came up to me and said, “Ve are so per-oud of you. You are de example for our daughters. Ve vant dem to be motivated too.”
And it was super sweet – I’m glad that they see me as an example (if only they really knew — sorry Dad) – but all I could really focus on was the pressure.
Their praise only intensified my anxieties. I felt like a sudden responsibility to people I had only met several times.
All I could think was, I better not f#ck up.
I guess sometimes I have this feeling that – everyone is already proud so why change anything? And is that really a way to live? Should I let praise dictate the decisions I make in my life? Even if it sacrifices my happiness?
What’s the right answer here? I mean, if that’s really the case then every move you make is never for yourself, it’s always for somebody else. And what way of life is that? I’m down to work hard – no matter what opportunities I have – but at what point are you doing it for yourself or out of fear?
Sorry joons if I sound like a broken record here – that mehmooni was a bit too much too soon. :-/ Help me out here.
What do you think? Is praise what’s valuable here?
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