It’s Friday and we’re ending our sex talk week with… sex talk. Because that’s more fun anyway and it’s Friday fun-day baby.
As much as we love to reflect on our best sexual experiences, sometimes there is no way to get through a night without something going wrong – the sex can turn into turn-off mode pretty damn quick! Some of it’s obvious (for some) like – please don’t have bad breath. Please try not to fart and/or burp. Duh. But we’re trying to get to the not-so-obvious so drop us a line and let us know if you think we’re on the right track. For all we know, we suck at sex (unlikely).
In the heat of the moment – sometimes not all articles of clothing make it off. And that’s fine, we don’t always mind f#cking with our tank tops on … (but please pay attention to the top area just as much as you would to my vag). However, one must go item is socks.
Socks aren’t exactly a “fuckme accessory.”
2. Refresh and Repeat
The people who jump right into intercourse are truly missing out on one of the fundamental necessities of sex: third base. Yes this means a little blow job/eat me out action.
Sex is fun – but it’s not the only guarantee of reaching pleasure. Everything else plays a huge role in reaching satisfaction.
And while this might be controversial for some – we do believe in hygiene (and penis breath). No one wants to make out with a cock-face… and alternatively, a vagina-face (here’s looking at you boys). Nothing wrong with grabbing a napkin and maaaybe a toothbrush. We might like how you taste, but we don’t need to know how we taste (unless you’re into that and in that case, go you)!
3. Push It
This should really be an addendum to #2 – and it mostly has to do with respect. We get the importance of foreplay and we can literally see the excitement on your face as soon as we get on our knees. But there is no need to push our heads down.
We’re not dogs – and if you’re doing something right then chances are we are going to repay the favor.
Don’t get greedy bro. It’s coming. No really, give it five.
All ass penetration should be discussed beforehand. Make sure you have a green light before you claim to accidentally enter the wrong hole. Okay thanks.
5. Short and Sweet
One word: fingernails. If you’re trying to put your hands down the pants, please make sure your nails are trimmed to an appropriately short length. No girl is trying to get a scratch in one of the most sensitive areas on her body. That burning sensation is not worth it when the man hands look like f#cking Frankenstein’s.
Cringe worthy, right?
6. Groom Yo-self
If women are expected to keep a nice, well-groomed va-jay-jay then so are men. We’re not talking about shaving that ish off because while you might think it makes your penis look bigger, to us – it looks like your thang belongs to a 10 year old pre-pubescent boy. Not cute. A little trim here or there is nice. No one wants to get stray hairs stuck in the back of their throat, ya dig?
7. So dry and so lame
We’re all for dry humping. It gets you going in the beginning – but please keep in mind that we need to get wet before any type of action feels good for us. So if you’re dry humping for more than 10 minutes, then you’ve gone too far.
At that point, you’ve passed go and you will not be collecting any $$ (or orgasms).
Once we go dry, no amount of spit is going to get us back to where we were when we started. Plus the whole spit thing, it’s not porn bro – please make me wet the way I’m meant to be wet.
First of all, don’t treat us like a pornstar – not because we don’t want to be “disrespected” in that way but because, it doesn’t feel good. No literally, that porn sex you think is so hot just feels like someone is jack-hammering us in bed. Might as well give us a book while you pretend we’re screaming at the top of our lungs.
Additionally, watching porn in the middle of sex – come on man. No woman (or man) wants competition in bed. If you want to watch porn, watch it on your own time.
9. Hickey this
There was a time where hickeys were almost cool. Yeah… back in high school when we thought that we needed proof that we were able to get guys to make out with us. But ain’t nobody got time to hide that shit now. We’re not in high school anymore and we have a reputation to uphold.
What happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom… or show up on the pages of this blog. K thanks.
Sex is exciting and ripping clothes off is part of the fun. But women make an effort to wear sexy lingerie (sometimes). And we’re sure as fuck not wearing g-strings and lacy (itchy) bras for ourselves – we’re wearing them for the man. So a little appreciation goes a long way. Don’t take off my bra before you’ve even taken off my shirt. We want to see you turned on from our get up – because guaranteed your turn on will turn us on too.
Sex is fun – exhilarating and needed. But it takes for one thing to go wrong before either the penis shrivels or we just lose it and resign ourselves to a night with our vibrators.
Communication is key – fuck the embarrassment, if he’s doing it wrong, you have to tell him. Otherwise you’ll both be unsatisfied – and that’s just wasting a perfectly good lay.
Happy Friday joons.
What is your biggest turn-off?