I’m Afraid of Tests

I hate getting tested. I feel anxiety, cold sweat, constant paranoia – any test really… I used to always get a little surprised every time I got an A. Now as an “adult,” I’m not exactly trying to make A’s in school, I’m just trying to get by.

I resent my responsibilities sometimes – I kind of wish I didn’t have to deal with repercussions when it comes to every decision. To go to work or not. To smoke or not. To wear a condom or not.

knocked up

I’m a big advocate for condoms. I don’t really understand people who obsess over the fact that “it feels so different” without one. Yeah? So does a child.

That’s why it was even weirder when I decided not to protect myself…

I can’t really explain why. It almost felt like an out-of-body experience, like I didn’t have access to my own brain – it’s not like I knew the guy personally, or had been dating him for a long time, or was on birth control. He said he doesn’t want to wear a condom, and like clockwork, I said okay. And it wasn’t just that one time – we were having sex for about six months and not once did we ever open the package of condoms that I stuffed in my purse before going to his place… “just incase.”

And frankly, while we had a pretty interesting sex life, the lack of condom didn’t really contribute to it. At least for me.

Use protection.

Use protection.

Once the shelf-life of this little sexcapade ended, I couldn’t really use the reason that “oh we are just going to do it again” to wait to go to the doctor. It was now or never… he had clearly moved on to his next condom-less rendezvous and if I wanted to move on, I had to make sure I wasn’t passing anything on.

The fear of getting tested is irrational. When you’re sick, you take medicine. When you have an STD, again… you take medicine and hope that it’s something that will go away.

I remember when I had to get tested every month for six months back when I said no. It was traumatizing – I had heard rumors that the guy might have herpes and after crying for about an hour, I raced to the doctor, showed her my bruises and made a commitment to return for six months.

Luckily, I turned out to be okay then (HE used a condom and I didn’t get whatever he may or may not have had). I think that experience has a lot to do with why I get so shaky before going to the doctor’s, I associate my “no experience” five years ago to fear and weakness, and I hate that feeling.

silver linigs

But when I think about it realistically, I realize that…

Not getting tested is much scarier than having to deal with some antibiotics or momentary bad news.

The refusal to take care of something that has the potential to hurt you only leads to far worst consequences later. So here’s to my renowned commitment to not be such a scared little girl.

If I’m going to do big girl things then I need to act like a big girl.

Oh and yes, I was okay this time too ;) WHEW!






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  1. OMG I know how you felt..I’m so anxious. I had a hook up with my crush and now I’m freaking out but u know the worst part is we can’t come clean with our families. I hate living a double life.

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