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16 Reasons Why Middle Easterners Are Crushing it

Crushing it since 3,500 B.C. 

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I am a Middle Easterner, and I approve of this message.

1. We have shame, therefore we have class.

classy

we may be obnoxious, but we’ll never be sloppy. Our mommas taught us better than that.

2. Middle Easterners are never late, White People are always early.

When white people are running late… running lat And when Middle Easterners are running late…

strolling

3. Our Reaction to everything is usually,

white people

4. We’re good at Math and Science, because we invented Math and Science.

yeah science

Our ancestors knew what was up.

5. We don’t have to look for our ancestors on Ancestry.com

ancestry

#sorrynotsorry

6. We’ll always be scared of our parents.

yes sir

And therefore, we’ll always respect them. Fore, they gave us life– and lots of traumatic and embarrassing experiences.

7. Our parents will let us move back in with them, even at age 45.

Rent Free.

snl lol

8. If there is a shortcut to anything, we will find it.

Assigned readings in college? We walk in like…

readings lol

 And still raise our hands to participate.

9. Every Middle Easterner knows that a deadline is actually the last date to ask for an extension.

shortcuts

Our nonchalant attitude isn’t arrogance, it’s just that…

10. Nothing’s ever that serious.

do not care

11. Except when it is.

celebrate

12. Middle Eastern hospitality is the stuff legends are made of.

Looking for small bites or hors d’oeuvres? umm…

time for that

We willingly starve ourself before our gatherings just to make sure we can feast like kings.

Everyone else has parties that end at a decent hour, like 9pm. Middle Eastern parties are like marathons. We love to feed, entertain, and then gossip about it all.

13. We’re all about equal opportunity shit-talking.

I ain’t even mad about it.

aint even mad

And since it’s equal, its fair right?

14. Holding Grudges is a testament to how great our memory is.

When someone wrongs you, it’s like…

kobe lol

Forgive and forget? Bitch, please.

15. Black Tie is never optional, it’s necessary.

suit pajamas

suit pajamas.

Dress down for what?

16. Finally, once you get past our hard exterior

we’re the warmest and kindest people you’ll ever know.

big bird snl

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Middle Eastern and Crushing it,

SAAGHI ساقی

7 Ways to Get Rid of your Moustache

Joonies,

We have hair everywhere.  This is a fact, whether the hair is blonde or black. Now, the ‘need to remove urgency‘ for every body part varies- with the least urgent being the legs. (No-Shave-November-December-Janu—basically anytime its cold)

The most urgent? The moustache troll that lies above your lips.

Here’s ways to get rid of it from the ultra-temporary to the permanent, and at various price points and pain levels.

1. Shaving

Time: >1 min

Price: $10 for a pack of razors   

How long does it last? Not long enough.*

Pain? None, unless you knick yourself.

*Not recommended, unless you’re into that ‘5’oclock shadow’ for yourself. If you’re desperate with only a razor lying around- fine, but be warned as it’s growing back, it’ll feel prickly (like anywhere else you shave).

2. Waxing

waxing options

Time: >5 min

Price: $5-10

How long does it last? 2-3 weeks

Pain? Have you ever been slapped across the face?  Very similar feeling, but you’re getting the hair at the root so –no pain, no gain.

3. Threading

Hayv-Kahraman_Threading-My-Mustache_2010_Oil-on-wooden-panel_112x87cm

Time: ~5-7min

Price: $5

How long does it last? For me- 2 weeks at most.

Pain? Worse than waxing, because it feels like your skin is getting pinched and scraped at the same time.

4. Hair Removal Cream

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Time: ~5-10min

Price: $5-8

How long does it last? 2 weeks at most. So here’s the deal, I am eternally scarred from all hair removal creams due to the experiences I had when I was in puberty and desperately trying to remove my moustache. One, the smell– it is a funky, NAIR smell, and once you smell it you’ll always remember the ‘Nair’ smell. Two, one time I had an awful reaction to the cream and it looked like I had broken out in hives/herpes/cuts all around my upper lip. I was barely 14, and my mom still made me go to school.

Pain? None. Potentially a few weeks of embarrassment (if you have an allergic reaction to it).

5. Bleach

homepageTime: ~10-15min

Price: $5-10

How long does it last? 2-3 weeks.

Pain? NONE. This is the best way to hide your mouchie if you’re lazy, out of other options, or all of the above. Technically though, you’re not ‘removing’ any hair; you’re just camouflaging it.

6. Tweezing

200-03961-000_dt

Time: Forever.

Price: $5

How long does it last? 1-2 weeks.

Pain? Surprisingly can get very painful, and since it’s rather ineffective, I only pluck if I have some very noticeable dark hairs. Usually I just look over at the tweezer and remind myself ‘just for eyebrows’.

7. Laser Hair Removal/Electrolysis

upper-lip-hair-removal-best-solutions-and-costs_-lop-_3

Time: ~5-7min

Price: >$250

How long does it last? Eventually hair-free*

Pain? A burn and a pinch at the same time.

*Is it worth it? There’s a lot I would give up to be hair-free, but it’s important to note that it’s never a guarantee. You may pay the $$$ but still end up having to use some temporary removal methods later on. 

All of the above is based on my experiences, and so results may vary. Do you have a preferred route for getting rid of the moustache? Let me know in the comments section.

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Mustache Out,

SAAGHI ساقی

Gender Inequality, by an Iranian American Female

In my Iranian-American family, there is a double standard. I have a younger brother who has been raised and treated rather differently from me. I love him but he gets away with things, I would’ve been buried for. Sometimes, this double standard exists because he’s younger. But sometimes it’s because he’s a male.

And I feel that to be an attack on my gender.

After growing up in a pretty traditional household and working in a male-dominated profession, I’ve picked up on some of the subtleties that create gender inequality. Gender roles are often reinforced by harmless words and attitudes, moreso than by laws and handbooks. The fact that my brother is never asked to wash a dish or set the table. The fact that women have to remain feminine and submissive at the office to be liked; because assertive and intimidating are qualities that are reserved for men. 

Inequality goes both ways.

My brother is expected to stunt his emotional growth and deny any feelings of fear or vulnerability. Men in the office often only express their dissatisfaction by shutting down or getting angry. While, as a woman, my emotional intelligence is emphasized and accounted for.

She cried because she’s a woman.” The statement is actually more liberating than discriminatory. Yes, my tear ducts are smaller than a man’s, and I will cry when I want. For men? If you cry, you better run for cover.

While inequality exists for both genders, I still believe that ‘male privilege’ is quite an oppressive factor that women face in today’s society. But as an Iranian-American woman, I’ve discovered that gender equality, to me, is a change of attitude and perspective. It is the acceptance that genders are different, but equal, and that none of the current gender roles rightly define what it is to be ‘male’ or ‘female’.

As a female, gender equality isn’t looking at a man and saying ‘me too! me too!’

It’s saying ‘I’m different but my differences do not make me worth any less’.

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xo,

SAAGHI ساقی

To FOB or not to FOB?

Hi Joonies,

Let’s talk about the advantages and disadvantages of dating FOBs.

image

First, a basic definition to start off with so we’re all clear as to who this concerns:

F.O.B – (n) an acronym for “Fresh Off the Boat”, and refers to new immigrants to a country (mostly Western). Now commonly used to describe any person new to a country, who is not well versed with its language or culture (mainly Western). Can be taken as an insult, or a term of endearment (eg; pride of culture).”

PRO: They speak the mother tongue so well, and it gets you kind of hot when you guys are alone. And you know that amazing ‘Farsi/Persian‘ skills means a slam dunk with the parents.

CON: But then you realize that they have a Persian accent when they speak English, and that just makes you feel all self-conscious when you bring him around your friends. (and let’s be honest, you can never convince yourself that the accent is sexy.)

PRO: They seem to still have some old school culture and chivalry, and that makes you feel warm and lady-like– I mean, a man with manners who picks up the tab is always sexy.

CON: But some of that chivalry just turns out to be chauvinism and ….

PRO: In their lives, FOB guys have had it pretty rough and left everything they’ve known to come to a new country with a new culture. They’ve proved they can stand on their own two feet.– DAMN. #Respect

CON: BUT, they may be on the prowl for a woman just so she can replace his mom. He could be missing the warm meals and clean laundry. (watch out!)

PRO: Finally, there’s so much they can teach you about a part of your culture that you never got to experience because you’ve never spent more than a vacation’s time in Iran.

That, arguably, could be priceless.

CON: Or it could be exhausting because you’d have so much to catch them up on.

Hello, Pop Culture waits for no one!

So I guess the jury is out. With a FOB, you gain some -you lose some. It all comes down to a matter of personal taste (and patience), right?

thoughts on our new look? sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

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FOB/noFOB,

SAAGHI ساقی

Some Friends…

HOLA.

Maybe you’ve read this past post of mine on friendship–a.k.a methship. If not, let me sum it up:

I love my friends, like a meth head loves meth. But sometimes, some friends give me a really bad high. We’ve gone over toxic friends and boy-crazy attention whores; but ..

what about those friends that are so lovably ignorant of the ridiculous things they do?

They’re my friends, but sometimes they do sh!t and I’m like…

Seriously?

They can be narcissistic on Social networking sites; with Facebook status’ that make me want to turn the other way…

Disappointed

And not to mention, instagram pictures that have me like …

Frustrated

Was that picture really necessary? [Read more…]

Life is a Highway, and I’m a Turtle

Hello!

As I was driving home today, I thought I saw a turtle on the highway, in between the carpool and fast lane of the freeway. It could have been tire scrap, but it also could have been a turtle. Anyway, whatever it was, it was safely perched on the white markings as cars zoomed past.

After I drove past, I started thinking about it like it was a brain teaser….”What does a turtle do in that situation?”. If the turtle tries to slowly cross the lane to go somewhere it runs the risk of getting crushed. But if it stays put, it might stay alive, although stuck where it is – and tormented by fear of what if a car changes lanes and crushes me anyway?

As I tried to find one escape route that didn’t involve the turtle risking death, it dawned upon me why I was so concerned.

Life is a highway, and I am a turtle. It is not just people who zoom past me, its everything. Time. Moments. Jobs. Opportunities.

And like the turtle, I’m safely (for now) settled between two lanes – trying to figure out how I can keep all my pieces together to get where I want to go. I’m scared to move, but I’m frustrated at where I’m at.

Let me break down the analogy:

1. I’m back at my parents (you knew that!) which makes me feel like I’m either backtracking, or stuck in one place.

2. I’m unemployed which makes me feel all of the above, plus broke.

3. I don’t even know if I want a job. Because jobs fucking suck.

4. I want to do something that makes me happy, but I’m not quite sure where to look for that.

5. I know this is a phase, and it’ll be over but I’m just like… [Read more…]

How I Feel Around White Girls

Hello there,

It dawned on me recently that I didn’t have many white girl friends (and by many I mean less than or equal to one). I can’t seem to get one to stick around for the long-friendship haul and I’ve been searching my soul to understand why?

When I’ve gone out with them, I just feel like its quickly turned… boring.

The conversations revolve around things I just don’t understand. Normal Things. Like cute dinner parties as told by DIY-Pinterest Gods. That I’ve never been invited to.

Or new Half-Marathons to run. Which make me think of running the mile in PE Class…unfortunate memories

image

Or new lifestyle diets. Paleo, Juicing, Gluten Free, Vegan— I can’t even keep up with what’s the latest. But if I brought that lifestyle home my Persian family would have a few choice words for me, “Ghormeh sabzi ya kooft bokhor” (Trans: or eat crap).

But honestly, JUICING? [Read more…]

A Tale of Sexting and Marriage

Good morning (at least by my time)

I’m going to keep the thread sex-related, but with a different angle.

Anthony Weiner and Huma Abedin.

If you have no idea who these people are, here’s a brief synopsis:

Weiner was a popular NY congressman, married to Hilary Clinton-aide Huma Abedin (Interfaith marriage what up). Weiner gets caught in sexting scandals, penis pictures follow. He resigns. Huma sticks around.

Now, professing changed ways, Weiner’s running for mayor. More sexting scandals. More penis pictures. Huma’s sticking by her man.

According to the Wall Street Journal,

Watching the elegant Huma Abedin stand next to her man Tuesday as he explained his latest sexually charged online exchanges was painful for a normal human being to watch.

It pains me that the spotlight turns to the wrong person, in all of this. Anthony Weiner is responsible for his actions. and Huma Abedin is entitled to her own decisions. The media’s desire to push Weiner out of the race, and Huma out of a marriage– bewilder me.

Why is the woman cast as a helpless victim here? What bothers us so much about a wife who decides to stick around? (ex: Hilary Clinton)

When a man is unfaithful, he’s ruined the commitment and trust that is between his significant other and him. In my opinion, its a serious offense, but for women, unfortunately it comes tainted with some other types of inner battles. “Did I do something wrong?” “Could I be better in bed?” “Have I let myself ago?” [Read more…]

Persian House Rules

Joonies,

I recently left my job, and while I’m in pursuit of my next ‘career move’…I had to give up the independent woman lifestyle for the wonderful experience of moving back in with my Persian parents.

And you know, I shouldn’t complain because there are a slew of things I no longer have to worry about: Laundry, Groceries, Mail, my Freedom…

It feels like I’m back at square one a little bit.

My mother is delighted, of course. “I got my dautter back!”

oonja digeh koja bood rafteh bodi?”  Trans. Where the hell was that you were living anyway?

“Dokhtar bayad pisheh madaresh basheh” Trans. Daughters should stay with their mothers.

She seems to think it is now our opportunity to reconnect, as best friends.

I refuse to tell my mom my secrets, even if I feel Slave to her  Ghormeh Sabzi and laundry Skills.

It goes without saying, that my dad isn’t as excited.

He’s worried I’m going to like it at home so much I’ll never leave. [Read more…]

Waxing My Moustache…

Hey guys,

I feel really spoiled, I’ve had two vacations back to back. And I really didn’t hold back on the vacationing — eating, sleeping, relaxing!

So I can’t start off the post with a whining monologue. Sad.

Crater Lake - taken by yours truly.

Crater Lake – taken by yours truly.

On the more nature-y family vacation, I was hiking with my brother when he decided to point out that I was embracing nature a little too much.

“Are you going to take care of that?” He said that, pointing to my upper lip.

Given that it was my younger brother and there was no eyecandy in sight, I didn’t feel too much shame. I told him OBVIOUSLY I’d take care of it.

“I just wanna make sure, ya know– like that you know”

I’ve known all my life, thank you very much, that thanks to my heritage I have moustache fuzz, and sideburns.  And from the moment I was old enough (11yo), my mom took me to get threaded, waxed, plucked — claiming that facial hair made girls look “dirty”. And soon enough, I was old enough to operate a waxing box kit myself, and I took to waxing EVERYTHING but my eyebrows. Then, in case I missed any, I would JOLEN IT (bleach).

image

Call it an OCD, I call it Hygiene.

Any Persian girl that has the hairy gene, knows : Wax it, Pluck it, Bleach it. Get rid of it. [Read more…]

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