Will You Be My Mommy?


You’re all stuck with me again for the night. Sorry I have lots to say – or I just really like to talk about myself… whatever the case – lez get it estarted.

I always hear girls talk about their daddy issues – absentee father, strict father, etc. And I never had that. My dad can be tough, but he’s awesome. 

Then again, my dad has also played the role of the father and the mother for most of my existence. My  issues stem from a series of let downs and lies – and it all comes down to my mother.

I’ve talked about it on this blog many times before – my mother’s addictions, her inability to admit that she needs to change. And as a result, I have spent most of my life believing that people cannot change. I just don’t believe that people can ever alter their core – who they are, what makes them tick, and what causes them to relapse to bad behavior.


If change comes from within, then how you can expect someone who is so set in their ways to ever achieve it?

Over the last few months, my mom has started attending Alcoholics Anonymous and it’s great. It’s something I’ve asked her to do for years and it (only… HA) took for her license to be taken away for a year for her to finally be motivated enough to give it a shot.

Tonight, I attended a meeting with her.

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Poppin’ Bottles


Sorry, excessive? It’s one of those nights- and I think it’s enough fucking around (literally and figuratively… okay not literally). I’ve written about this before– my mom.  Her problems. Haven’t heard? Read aaall about it here.  But I’ve never really told you how it makes me feel.

Let’s recap:

The first time I had to hold my mother’s hair back was when I was 16.

The year my mother filed for divorce– because according to her, my father was a tyrant– she lost control.  And since then, it’s only spiraled from bad to worse.  The wine was replaced with vodka.  The vodka was accompanied by God knows what pills.

I still can’t find the stash.

Her drinking wasn’t a result of the divorce… it’s a result of a genetic malfunction and a lack of strength.  My grandfather… my great grandmother… now my mother… and to some extents, even me- cigarettes and energy drinks- not as innocent as I like to make it sound.

Despite my slight cigarette addiction (<– see how I did that), I’m grateful I don’t end most of my days passed out on the floor or wake up in the morning with bruises on my face because I ran into walls the night before.

When I left California, I thought I had left my mother capable.  I encouraged her to take classes at the community college, she was spending less days at home in the dark– and more time outside, living life. 

I left the West Coast feeling like my mother would be strong enough to BE the parent she’s supposed to be and to take care of my younger sibling … I left thinking that I had “corrected” her behavior.

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Flaming Hot Cheetos is always the answer.

Its time to get real. I know I said you Joonies could meet my parents, but this is an even more intimate relationship

Cause it’s ME + Flaming Hot Cheetos,Til Death Do Us Part.

But do you know why that is?

Because it is the snack of champions. Eff Wheaties, if you can eat them on a drive, WITHOUT water, you’ve got it in you. & FlamingHotCheetos (FHC-i use a lot of acronyms during the day, here’s another to add to the list)- is also about the American dream: Did you know the idea for this snack came from a janitor in the Frito-Lay company?

Thank you, Richard Montanez.

But before you guys sign off cause SAAGHI’s gone batshitcray, I want to emphasize something else I love about FHC: how it made me BFFs with all my…BFFs.

Now, maybe some of you don’t champion the Cheeto (try it with FAGE, and die ). Maybe you like the Lays, maybe you like the FROYO, or maybe you’re all about Cheesecake.

Food Brings Girls Together.

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Hi, I’m the Product of an Addict

Hey joon joons,

In the Iranian community, its all about image.  Who looks the happiest… the best-dressed… the most social.  Its not about what you ARE, instead its about how you present yourself.

You embody this persona that you think will make people jealous.

And sadly, you want to believe in it too.  You WANT people to be jealous of you or of your lavish lifestyle.  That’s how my family was.  We didn’t talk about my terrible grades in public, or the fact that I ditched class like it was nobody’s business.  We never admitted to my parent’s marital problems until the divorce papers were signed and my dad moved out. I was always told, “zeshte… nagoo” (it looks bad, don’t say anything).  

Deny deny deny – Persian solution to EVERYTHING

I really don’t know when it started, but for as long as I can remember, my mother loved her glass of wine at the end of the night.  It started out innocently enough.  But when she started having problems with my father, the one glass of wine at the end of the night turned into several from the time I got out of school until bedtime.

When my parents divorced (click here), things got a little worse.  My mother’s denial spiraled out of control and the occasional glasses of wine became a frequent “problem solver.”  I was in my senior year of high school when I came home and she was passed out drunk on the living room floor.  I tried to take her to her bed but she couldn’t walk.  Instead she kept getting sick and I had to clean up after her.

Lindsey status only older and Persian- oxymoron?

I moved into my best friend”s apartment the next morning.  

I thought that my “lecturing” her and taking drastic measures like moving out would serve as her much needed reality check and she would get her shit together.  But like most addicts, she transformed into an incredible liar. 

People lie to keep their addiction alive

When I moved out of my hometown for college, I thought I had left her capable enough to take care of my younger brother.  She hadn’t been drinking for some time and I thought that somehow she had miraculously solved her issues.  But I was wrong because you see, the problem with addicts is that they are in denial.  They think they can handle it, but their solution is to turn to something else to take the edge off.  And in my mother’s case, it was Vicodin.  So while she wasn’t drinking, she was popping pills — and unlike being belligerently drunk, Vicodin allowed her to pretend like everything was normal.

There were still incidents when I would come home to visit, and she would get a little too friendly with the alcohol- but for the most part, she was “herself.”  Or so it seemed.

It has now been eight years later.

And two weeks ago, my 15-year old brother called me worried because my mother was passed out on the floor- completely belligerent and heavily medicated— and he wasn’t strong enough to lift her up to take her to bed.

Supposed Role Models

That was the final straw.  

I lost my childhood innocence at a young age.  After the 100th time I had to walk my mom to bed because she couldn’t see the wall in front of her- you just stop believing in rainbows and magic.  I worked to keep her issues separate from my brother’s life because I believe that kids DESERVE to maintain their innocence for as long as they can– and my Iranian mother would just have to embody the perception that she lived up to the standards that our community set for her: perfect mother.

But I will be damned before I let her hurt my baby brother the way she continuously hurt me through her evident self-loathing.  Addiction can take form in many different ways- whether its your addiction of shopping or eating to pills and crack.  I may be strong enough to limit my drinking to once or twice a week, but my mother wasn’t and one of the biggest reasons for that is because she gave up.  

She gave up on her happiness.  She gave up on trying to find a job because the economy made it difficult and she took it out on herself.

She gave up trying to find acceptance within the Iranian community because she was blamed for the divorce.  And she turned to something that would numb the pain.

Ultimately, we are all in denial.  And for us (Iranians), a big reason for that is because we are terrified of the JUDGEMENT from our Iranian counterparts.   For the past ten years, my mother has been in denial– she truly believes that she has her addiction under control.  And me?   Until now, I’ve been in denial… convincing myself that I’m not the product of a family where the mother is the horrible drunk who could potentially kill herself from overdosing.  I never believed that her problem was that serious.  


The first step to overcoming your problems, your denial is to ADMIT that you or someone you love has a problem.  For us, its even harder because we are raised to SUPPRESS anything and everything that might cause the gossip to circulate among fellow Iranians.  But it took for me to admit that my mother’s problem requires professional help before I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel… and the Iranian community I grew up resenting stepped up in a way that I would have never expected.  They reached out to my mother and showed her that she was not alone.  

No judgement, no questions asked.  

DON’T feel bad for me.  I was able to overcome my denial and I’m working my ass off to help my mother overcome hers.  How many other Iranians can say they’ve achieved the same?



Promise to be funnier next time,


Single or Just Addicted to Meth?

Hi Joonies,

I have discovered the key to why most of us VERY ELIGIBLE, BEAUTIFUL INTELLIGENT women are still single (some on the verge of torshideh).

And I won’t charge you for imparting this wisdom. WHAT A DEAL, HUH?!

So, here’s a few reasons you’ve already HEARD:

I have to tease you, sorry

1. WOMEN WON’T SETTLE: According to an article I read in The Atlantic, IN THIS ECONOMY, women are gracefully reaching the top of the ladder, WHILE men hang at the bottom jobless, and uneducated. OKOKOK that’s an exaggeration…but as more and more women start making as much, or more than men, they start asking themselves: “why the fuck would I deal with YOUR bullshit?!

For every beautiful single woman, there’s three ridiculous, immature boys

2. LACK OF TIME: Same deal as #1, but all that time you spend in the library? or work? well, you’re def not dolling yourself up to go and meet a mate. ya know what i mean?

3. MEN HAVE LOST THEIR ‘MAN’: Ignore the OLD SPICE guy, finding a manly guy these days is SO HARD. They either want to talk about their feelings, or they’re just fucking lost. Yeah I’m gonna say it: WHAT HAPPENED TO CHIVALRY? what happened to forward men who PURSUED women? If you expect US to do the chasing, well…we’re gonna feel like the MAN in the relationship, and…then why the eff would we want you around?



yeah, all those friends you’ve been counting on since high school to get you through heartbreak, have sex-talk with, the people you CONFIDE IN…THEY ARE THE REASON YOU ARE SINGLE.

Does it look like there’s room for a man in there?

I’ll explain:

Back in the day, friendship was never over prioritized over a relationship. “Chicks before Dicks”? No. I dont think so.

Now, after all this Sex and the City and other pop culture references, we’ve come to see girlfriends as our main SUPPORT SYSTEM. We RELY on them to get us through hard times, stick up for us, and more importantly UNDERSTAND us.

We have BEST FRIENDS, we have FRENEMIES, we have our ONLY-GOOD-TO-PARTY-WITH FRIENDS, at the end of the day though– we have SO MANY girlfriends (all types and hierarchies) that we’re practically never ALONE enough to realize we want a man.

I’m not saying we need a man, but we complain we’re SINGLE all the time– no one appreciates us, no one commits to us, bla blabla….WELL TAKE A LOOK AROUND— your girlfriends are your crutch!

Where are you gonna fit a man into your life when you have to – work, study, get your nails done with Tina, gym with Nadia, and help Lily with her new boy crush?

It seems high school, but ladies take a look at your lives- WHAT PERCENTAGE IS TAKEN UP BY YOUR GIRLFRIENDS?

It’s like a meth addict wanting to get clean, while hanging at a meth lab. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Now let me illustrate:

I am your typical single girl:  I believe I am the greatest, most beautiful creature who deserves a prince, and I won’t settle, yet I still complain about why I can’t find anyone. And I have the GREATEST girlfriends.

My friends understand me in ways no man ever has. I am completely un-censored, SILLY, WEIRD, un-ladylike, potty-mouthed around them…and they love me JUST THAT WAY. (part of it’s because they have no choice) I am so comfortable around my friends, and that is the PROBLEM.

I feel no motivation to make a connection with guys to try to find ONE who will reach some level like that with me- because quite frankly, even your husband doesn’t wanna hear about your period cramps. Or you can’t share a batch of brownies with them at 2am FOR ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON.

Don’t get me wrong, when my friends fall into relationships- I seem to find a boy to replace my crutch, but we all seem to FALL back into the one RELATIONSHIP we have with each other.

So here’s the moral of the story, blessed with good girlfriends? Dump ’em if you want a man. It’ll push you out of your comfort zone and MAKE you find someone.

But if you’re like me, you’ll stick with the meth ;).

BTW- have you ever noticed how those ‘RELATIONSHIP-TYPE GIRLS’ don’t have good Friends who are GIRLS?….SEE- I TOLD YOU.

Any other reasons you think are better than this one?


Your Welcome,

Saaghi  ساقی
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