She Got It From Her Momma


Its about to get real awkward.

You’ll see what I mean in a minute….

So like most girls, I really really like it rough. Now, no punching and hitting, but I enjoy a bit of shoving and smacking– not gonna lie. And I love biting.

If I don’t get bitten, I’m going to fall asleep on you.

The only downside to all of this is the marks and bruises on your body the next day. How do I explain looking like I just got into a fight with a vampire?

By now my friends know what to expect, and they’re more shocked when there is no bruises, than when there are.

For me, personally, its worth the public embarassment– I just really can’t get off without it. And I have to say there are instances when i’m drunk or he’s drunk, that its gone overboard.

Instance One: I woke up in the morning after a hookup to find my neck a necklace full of bruises. And this was one of those chunk necklaces if you know what I mean. I legitimately looked like someone had attempted to choke me.

You can imagine my terror when I had to walk into Mosque the following afternoon– THANK GOD FOR THE HIJAB.

All the foundation in the world couldn’t help my cause. When some people caught a glimpse and asked in horror, ‘what happened?’ I’d say, ‘oh a really bad allergic reaction to my perfume’– and their disgusted faces were priceless–imagine if I said:

“Oh, just some really good sex.”


Instance Two: Another time, this guy went Tyson on me– biting my ear. And while there was no mark, scar, or bruise, I had ear pain for weeks. I couldn’t touch my earlobe without it feeling like a train was running over that side of my face.

Instance Three: My thighs also bruise very easily, and fortunately, those are easier to hide and explain–oh I ran into a desk— but one time, it was particularly bad.

The bite marks were so awful I looked like those girls you see in the The Exorcist films– getting bit by Satan or some demon. It was as if an alien or dog had attacked me. I couldn’t wear a skirt without it showing.

I bet when my roommate would catch a glimpse, she was convinced that someone had mistaken me for their dinner instead of their hook-up.

Joons, do you know the feeling? NO? Am I the only who likes it this rough? (I HIGHLY DOUBT IT)

I know she gets me…

Now that you all know about my fetish, here’s a little awkward story. and if you’re not cringing by the end, you really deserve a round of applause!

Growing up, I remember my mom having a lot of bruises. To the point that, I was worried she was sick or something. (Ohhhh sweet innocence)

I’d always ask “Mommy, what happened to your arm?” or “What is that on your neck Mom, ARE YOU OK?”

She’d always respond, “Oh eets noting, dont vorry, just ran into de computer desk”

As I grew up, I insisted more and more that she go get it checked out by a doctor, I mean I thought —what are these bruises in these random places? Does my mom have LEUKEMIA?–I looked up on the internet the reason for random bruising, and really freaked myself out.

And sometimes she’d really insist it was nothing, and sometimes she’d go along with it–“yes mommy joon, i should go to de doctor”

Obviously, she knew where the bruises were from. I was the only one left out of the loop (thank god). However, the awkwardness of this is not that my mom likes getting bitten (I’M REALLY GOING TO VOMIT NOW) its that I was so late to realize that was the case.

Even after years of being a vampire victim myself, I still didn’t connect the dots to my mom’s bruising pattern– I mean thats justifiable because my parents you-know-what life is not on my mind.

Only recently did I put it all together- after years of feeding the same excuses to people and hearing the same ‘worried’ questions– thats when I GOT IT.


and I really wish I hadn’t. because now, its just not the same.

I’m glad I wrote this post after my meal. Any awkward stories you’d like to share?


Bruised and Disgusted,

saaghi  ساقی


Hey joooons,

Its funny how it starts.  When we first lose our virginity, we’re all just fucking nervous.  Am I supposed to put my leg here?  My arm there?  Where the hell am I supposed to LOOK?! The pressure is insurmountable.  We’re not just nervous about getting our hearts broken, but we are worried about what lies we can come up with if our parents find out.

But, once the pressure subsides… its gets a bit easier from there.  We learn.  We figure out where our arms and legs go.  As for where to look?  Just keep your damn eyes closed… jk.  But you get my drift.

The best part?  It starts to feel really good.  We start to become comfortable enough to experiment.  Experimenting is always fun… until the guy takes it too far.

um…. raincheck?

My story:

I was dating this guy for a few months and it seemed promising: No stripper-esque qualities (click here), family-oriented, smart, any Persian girl’s dream man.  He was even a bit light on the hairy-ness.  So after a few months of courting, I decided it was time to… give it up… beat cakes… knock boots… FUCK.  The first time was cool.  We were just getting to know each other sooo we were still trying to please each other. Then he got comfortable.

Lucky me.  

One night, halfway through sex… he says, “SLAP ME.”  I thought maybe he was just trying to dirty talk me and I thought if I ignored it, he would realize I’m not into that kind of dirty talk.

But he didn’t stop.

He kept saying, “slap me… slap me,” getting louder each time.  Until…

I slapped him.

I still cringe when I think about it.  It was probably the most awkward sexual experience I’ve ever had.  What the fuck do you do after you slap someone?  Just keep going?  YOU LOSE RHYTHM!

I awkwardly tried to get back into “rhythm” and keep going, but ALL I could think about the entire time was the slap.  Of course, he was just fine throughout it… like nothing had happened.  But from that moment on, I dreaded sex with him because I knew he would always ask me to … “slap him” and frankly, I just didn’t want to slap whoever I was fucking across the face.

This will NOT be the outcome if you try some weird shit on me…

I know sometimes we like to experiment- God knows I do (I’m Persian, didn’t you hear? We’re all “freaks”): spanked a little, and hey, I’m even down for a little choke-age (choking, jk)… but SLAP?! Its not like I’m mad at you.  Why do we have to fight during sex?

Do it

I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to slap someone.  REALLY smack someone out of anger… just bitch-slap the shit out of them. BUT NOT DURING SEX.  Can we just leave that for the fights and then FOLLOW with sex? That’d be great, thanks.

Obviously, it didn’t work between me and Mr. Slap Fetish.  The thing with experimenting and trying new things is this:

The pleasure and feeling of sex is great, but if the REASON for sex is lost amongst the “extra stuff,” then it can be damaging to your relationship.

Fantasies during sex or about sex aren’t just fun, they’re exciting.  But, certain fantasies can be destructive and its important to be able to be secure enough to communicate, as lame it sounds.  You don’t want to ruin a relationship because you’re worried that one day, the slap your sweet boyfriend keeps asking for during intercourse can one day transform into a punch in the face.

Trust me, rough sex is fun… but you don’t want to go to class or work the next day with a black eye because your lover retaliated all while claiming to be “passionate.”

My boyfriend loves me 

There are definitely extremes to EVERYTHING– sex, relationships, even with simple things like studying (ever heard of adderol to enhance your memorizing abilities).  Its important to be able to find a balance so you don’t scare your partner away like Mr. Slap Fetish scared me away.





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