Heyy joonies, we have a special treat for you tonight. The one and only DoozyFab: our guest post this month! DoozyFab is not only hilarious, but really knows how to keep it real and at SEXANDFESSENJOON, we are all about honesty. If you want to check out more of her writing, click here. For now, sit back and enjoy (boys, this is all for YOU— unfortunately, we Persian girls have a little TOO much experience with “derakhts”):
The hottest persian guy just asked you out on a date. He picks you up in his black Benz (or BMW) and whisks you off to a romantic restaurant in the hilltops of the Beverly Hills mountains overlooking the city. After some wining, dining, and amazing conversation he drives you home. You feel an incredible connection and feel like you’ve known him “forever.” You invite him in and you both just can’t control yourselves. The chemistry is undeniable and then you unbutton his shirt and there it is:
The tree of life. The derakht that grows on him. ALL THAT PERSIAN HAIR. The Persian carpet or whatever you want to call it, is staring you back in the face.
WHAT A #DEALBREAKER.
Badbakht looks like he is still wearing a SWEATER.
It’s a pretty awkward situation to be in, especially since you are totally not feelin’ it anymore and you’re just trying to find an excuse to get the HELL OUT.
Persians must be educated about their HAIR.
A long, long time ago in a faraway land…with no Persians to witness my pain (I say that with love). I was with a guy I was really into. We had hooked up before, but one time he forgot to trim…not only his chest, but his whole body.
When you are really into someone, things like that don’t usually turn you off. Until one night…
We were kissing and as I begin to kiss his chest, ALL I could feel was the bristly hair against my face. This literally made my face turn red (his damn scruff scratched the crap out of me). It felt like my microdermabrasion went to waste. UGH. It was just getting in the way of everything (kind of like how dirty dishes can ruin a friendship between two roomies)!
Feeling that bristly hair on my face was not only irritating my last facial from an expensive dermo, but the tips of the hairs would graze my mouth (Ughhhhhhh). I admit it though, in the beginning I acted like I didn’t care, but after a while I literally just stopped and changed the subject and actually thought about getting him a trimmer for Christmas (no you can NEVER ever get a guy a trimmer for Christmas that’s just rude and insulting)
Guys have egos so women need to figure out ways to gently ease them into how much hair is appropriate.
Obviously, you can always be sneaky and pretend like you are taking him to your waxing lady or eyebrow threader because YOU need something done and then con his ass into the seat… FREE OF CHARGE.
Now if you don’t want to go to sneaky extremes there are alternatives and guys know this too:
– Trim, but not to the point where you look like a bare baby. It’s still part of you masculinity and is sexy to many woman.
– Clean up those eyebrows. No one wants to take pictures of someone with caterpillar brows.
– If it is soo bad that if you even trim a little, it grows back stronger than Hulk Hogan trust the laser beam (it will barely hurt after a little numbing cream).
– Invest in a trimmer (beard & body). Painless and easy.
– Shave until you look like a Mexican hairless cat.
– Copy your friends. Everyone’s hair is different so do what works for you.
– Let it grow until you look like you are wearing a sweater (you might think its hairy but we don’t want to have to “moomak” wax your ass before we make out with you).
Maybe some people like that coarse, dark, Persian hair on their cheeks when they’re trying to cuddle (hopefully it doesn’t smell like kabob). But for most people…. having a partner who takes care of themselves is way more desirable.
It’s Persian Hygiene 101.
Trim a little. Your chest, arms, nose, ears, pubes, toes, palms…no one wants to hook up with someone who looks like they’re wearing a sasquatch costume.
One slice of pizza… hold the hair!
You know how you (hopefully) send your food back at a restaurant if you find a hair in it? Well, I like to order my plates (and men) clean, FRESH with minimal hair. I’m not saying be bald or bare…just manscape a little (please… and we promise to do the same). Do not let your hair grow to the point where a woman wants to send it back like she just found a black hair in her nachos…GROSS.
Remember these tips and know that saving the rainforest only refers to things that grow out of the ground…not on your body ;)