Bitch, Back Down

Hey joooonie joons,

Happy Hump Day! Is it Friday yet?

I had a typical Persian kid’s childhood.  I went to mehmooni’s with my parents every weekend because not going was NEVER an option.  My friends were the kids of my parent’s friends.  And unfortunately, for me– I was the only girl in my age group.  The next girl to be born was nine years later. #buzzkill

I even looked like a boy

Even though, I was surrounded by boys growing up, I was never athletic, or liked games like Battleship (who understands that game anyway) or enjoyed watching sports- I still mix up baseball teams with football. I think deep down, my parents always wanted a boy because they forced the mushroom/bowl-like haircut on me and made me wear those long “capri,” ghetto shorts for years. 

THANKS MOM- this is what I had in 7th grade

But unlike, those attention-whores (AW’S), I really longed for someone to play Barbies with.  I could only convince those Persian boys to play “Pretty Pretty Princess” for so long.  And pretty soon, they caught up to my tricks and stopped listening to me for game ideas (deep down, I’m pretty sure they LOVED it).

Fast forward to high school- I was finally old enough to say “NO” to the Persian parties I didn’t want to go to (couldn’t avoid them all) and what was even more exciting, I made GIRLFRIENDS.

I didn’t have to be the awkward little girl trailing behind the pack of Persian boys lost in their game of “Capture the Ball,” I finally had sleepovers and listened to hours of Britney Spears with my girlfriends (none of whom were Persian).


I loved my girlfriends in high school.  I confided in them about everything… from my parent’s divorce to my first blow job.  Until my senior year when I found out that the girl I was closest to had a big fat mouth. [Read more…]


Hey joooons,

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend.  With Valentine’s Day coming up (BARF) or as others like to call it “Single’s Awareness Day” (PATHETIC), I decided it might be fun to relive an awful V-Day memory that I’ve had.  Don’t get me wrong- I’ve had some good ones… but it definitely didn’t start out that way…

We can’t all be perfect…

Let me just be honest: I was an ugly kid. I was the kid that people made fun of in elementary school, but they weren’t just talking shit– they were being brutally honest.  No worries- I’m cute now… and Karma is a bitch (here’s looking at you fatties).

On top of looking like a train wreck, I wasn’t exactly the most popular kid in sixth and seventh grade.  I was a dork.  A true Persian style nerd (until the rebellion kicked in).  

Yeah, that wasn’t me…

In the seventh grade, I really wanted to be cool.  I tried to befriend the girls in the “in-crowd,” start dressing like them, etc.  Unfortunately, the fact that my Irooni mother cut my hair ABOVE my ears didn’t really help my cause but I tried.  In reality, I just wanted to be NOTICED.  I wanted someone to realize that I was special (other than my dad).

And finally someone did. “Persian #1-“– the first of MANY Persian guys to come into my life…But at the time, he was the only male Iranian in my class.  He was kiiiinda popular, not because he was good looking or cool- but because he was the class clown (only not as funny as Amir K.).  That year, he decided that he liked me.  At first, I pretended to be repulsed because hey- he wasn’t attractive (you should see him now- damn).  But his interest got me exactly what I wanted: attention.

Finally part of the “in-crowd”… with knee socks and an ugly haircut

So on Valentine’s Day that year, when he snuck a bouquet of pink daisies into my locker while I was class- I was surprised and slightly embarrassed.  How are you supposed to respond?  I’d never had anyone have a crush on me before. I wasn’t sure how to handle it.  So I did the mature thing, I screamed, “Ewwwwww!” I slammed my locker door shut and ran to my newfound friends to talk massive amounts of shit about the “loser” who did the “dorkiest thing anyone could ever imagine.”

I’m sure my sparkling behavior got back to him because I decided to call him that night to thank him in secret for the daisies that I actually really loved.  But he hung up on me… three times.


Of course, it got out around school that I called him… at home… THREE TIMES… and I was made to look like the dork.  The fact is: Persian #1 had balls.  He went where no seventh grader had gone before.  He did something thoughtful and sweet, and in the end got slapped in the face for it because I was too shallow to notice how brave he was to risk HIS reputation for liking ME– the weird, ugly “BROWN” girl.

Lesson learned. 

Valentine’s Day is a bullshit “holiday” where all of a sudden our relationships or crushes have this ridiculous amount of pressure added to them.

As if being in love with someone or wanting to date a person isn’t pressure enough– Hallmark has to put a price tag on it.  And if our men can’t live up to Hallmark’s standard, then WE act like total bitches.

How the fuck does that make ANY sense? 

As long as you’re not getting dumped on Valentine’s Day (been there), just be thankful that you have someone in your life who tells you they love you everyday (and if they don’t — you should really rethink your relationship).  Sometimes the best way to celebrate your relationship is not to go out and spend a ridiculous amount of money on some boring restaurant with 50 other couples- but make dinner together, watch a movie.

Don’t be generic.

I would actually hate this, but cute idea!

Some of my BEST Valentine’s Days are spent doing something intimate with the person of the hour- whether it was my boyfriend or a good friend. And let me share some of those ideas (aka my favorite memories) with you:

(1). Make dinner together and watch a corny movie– or better yet, a Disney movie.  In my case, it was Beauty and the Beast (my favorite)– and that alone still stands out in my mind as the BEST V-Day I’ve ever had with a guy because he put thought into it.  He didn’t try to overdo it- he just did what he KNEW I would like.

(2). Single? Buy junk food and spend it watching trash TV with your homegirls.  Look– if we’re single women on V-Day- we are already expected to be sulking at home, stuffing our face with candy… so why not take advantage of that assumption and spend it laughing at the loser couples you’ve seen inappropriately kissing in restaurants… and at the park (creeps) as you ENJOY your high calorie frosting out of the can with the people you already love.

(3). Steer CLEAR from the dorky date/gift ideas.  No one wants to be that couple who rides bikes holding hands.  That’s just embarrassing.  So if you’re looking to buy a nice gift, sometimes the best gift is something MEANINGFUL.  Take your man/girl to a comedy show of their favorite comedian… or spend the day OUT- go hiking, do something that you wouldn’t normally do– and remember: sometimes the best dates are the well thought out, LOW-KEY ones.  STAY AWAY FROM THE PERSONALIZED MUGS:

One word: TACKY- what is wrong with people?

Most importantly, don’t give Hallmark the satisfaction of knowing they GOT TO YOU.  They already make enough money with the bullshit cards they come out with every fucking day. 

And for all you singles out there- who gives a shit that its Valentine’s Day?  Being a “couple” really isn’t the most important thing in life.  So if you are feeling down, which I’ll admit- that sometimes I do, go do something for YOU.  Read a book, take a pilates class, take a shot of tequilaaa– WHATEVER.  It’s JUST Valentine’s Day.

Or better yet– you can write to us– because we promise you, we care more than Hallmark does ;)



Love alwayssss,

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