She Got It From Her Momma


Its about to get real awkward.

You’ll see what I mean in a minute….

So like most girls, I really really like it rough. Now, no punching and hitting, but I enjoy a bit of shoving and smacking– not gonna lie. And I love biting.

If I don’t get bitten, I’m going to fall asleep on you.

The only downside to all of this is the marks and bruises on your body the next day. How do I explain looking like I just got into a fight with a vampire?

By now my friends know what to expect, and they’re more shocked when there is no bruises, than when there are.

For me, personally, its worth the public embarassment– I just really can’t get off without it. And I have to say there are instances when i’m drunk or he’s drunk, that its gone overboard.

Instance One: I woke up in the morning after a hookup to find my neck a necklace full of bruises. And this was one of those chunk necklaces if you know what I mean. I legitimately looked like someone had attempted to choke me.

You can imagine my terror when I had to walk into Mosque the following afternoon– THANK GOD FOR THE HIJAB.

All the foundation in the world couldn’t help my cause. When some people caught a glimpse and asked in horror, ‘what happened?’ I’d say, ‘oh a really bad allergic reaction to my perfume’– and their disgusted faces were priceless–imagine if I said:

“Oh, just some really good sex.”


Instance Two: Another time, this guy went Tyson on me– biting my ear. And while there was no mark, scar, or bruise, I had ear pain for weeks. I couldn’t touch my earlobe without it feeling like a train was running over that side of my face.

Instance Three: My thighs also bruise very easily, and fortunately, those are easier to hide and explain–oh I ran into a desk— but one time, it was particularly bad.

The bite marks were so awful I looked like those girls you see in the The Exorcist films– getting bit by Satan or some demon. It was as if an alien or dog had attacked me. I couldn’t wear a skirt without it showing.

I bet when my roommate would catch a glimpse, she was convinced that someone had mistaken me for their dinner instead of their hook-up.

Joons, do you know the feeling? NO? Am I the only who likes it this rough? (I HIGHLY DOUBT IT)

I know she gets me…

Now that you all know about my fetish, here’s a little awkward story. and if you’re not cringing by the end, you really deserve a round of applause!

Growing up, I remember my mom having a lot of bruises. To the point that, I was worried she was sick or something. (Ohhhh sweet innocence)

I’d always ask “Mommy, what happened to your arm?” or “What is that on your neck Mom, ARE YOU OK?”

She’d always respond, “Oh eets noting, dont vorry, just ran into de computer desk”

As I grew up, I insisted more and more that she go get it checked out by a doctor, I mean I thought —what are these bruises in these random places? Does my mom have LEUKEMIA?–I looked up on the internet the reason for random bruising, and really freaked myself out.

And sometimes she’d really insist it was nothing, and sometimes she’d go along with it–“yes mommy joon, i should go to de doctor”

Obviously, she knew where the bruises were from. I was the only one left out of the loop (thank god). However, the awkwardness of this is not that my mom likes getting bitten (I’M REALLY GOING TO VOMIT NOW) its that I was so late to realize that was the case.

Even after years of being a vampire victim myself, I still didn’t connect the dots to my mom’s bruising pattern– I mean thats justifiable because my parents you-know-what life is not on my mind.

Only recently did I put it all together- after years of feeding the same excuses to people and hearing the same ‘worried’ questions– thats when I GOT IT.


and I really wish I hadn’t. because now, its just not the same.

I’m glad I wrote this post after my meal. Any awkward stories you’d like to share?


Bruised and Disgusted,

saaghi  ساقی

OMG, Did You Just Poke A Hole in Me?!

Hey joonies,

I hope you all had a faaaaaabulous weekend- only the best for all of you :)

If your Irooni family is anything like mine then you were incredibly sheltered growing up.  No rated R movies… PG-13 if your family was feeling generous, no interactions with boys, and sadly, you were EXCUSED from sex-education in junior high and high school.

I was the ONE kid who was forced to go to the library during science class while everyone else got to watch awkward sex-ed videos and read about the female/male genitalia.  Instead, I wrote a five-page paper on Osmosis.  How exciting.  I remember kids coming out of class laughing hysterically at the video they had to watch that day, or poking fun at the teacher for saying “penis” or “pubic hair” in class… and I really hated that I couldn’t be a part of it.

Shunned from sex talk EVERYWHERE

While kids were making jokes about blow jobs or holding 2 fingers up, which was supposed to mean “masturbating,” I was just lost.  I had no idea what any of it meant.  Two fingers means masturbating?  Sticking your tongue between two fingers means eating out?  WHAT THE FUCK IS EATING OUT? What’s so dirty about sucking on a popsicle?

These were the questions I struggled with in the ninth grade while the other kids just laughed at their so-called “creativity.” 

What’s so dirty about a hot dog? Minus Bachmann’s mouth…

The biggest reason I couldn’t understand these references was because I didn’t know that girls had another hole that didn’t involve peeing.  I thought sex was when the penis rubbed against a girl’s “private part.”  Being forbidden to use tampons didn’t help my ignorance.

What can you expect when my parent’s version of the “sex talk” involved the MOST ridiculous interpretation you can ever imagine.  When I asked where babies came from, my parents told me that when you really love someone, you make love (no further details provided).  Therefore, I thought “making love” was holding hands at the sushi restaurant (which we only went to on SPECIAL occasions).  

I had NO backups… if only we had the internetS back then

So imagine my surprise the first time I ever went to second base (getting “fingered”).  

It was the summer after ninth grade (told you, I started early… all that censorship didn’t keep the curiosity away).  I told my parents I was going to dinner with my girlfriends, when really, I was going to meet my ninth grade boyfriend at the movie theaters.  We chose an outdated, unpopular movie and sat in the last row.  As the movie started, we started kissing and feeling around.

Messy make out: check. People in theaters: NO check

He put his hands in my pants and suddenly, it felt like someone poked a hole in my “private part.”  I pushed him away and asked him what the fuck he was doing, to which he answered (nonchalantly), “um fingering you…”

That summer day I discovered I had another hole (not including my koon).    

Wait… do it again, I kinda liked that

The problem with being sheltered is this: I wasn’t prepared for ANYTHING.  I had to learn the hard way… in the moment.  If I had known that there would be some type of penetration, I would have made damn sure that not only were his hands clean, but that it didn’t happen at the fucking movie theaters.

What’s the point of keeping your kid in the dark?  I truly believe that if I had been educated enough to know not just about how people’s bodies work… but what the risks or possible outcomes were, then I would have been more inclined to take precautions rather than having my first sexual experience at a public venue.

If I HAD been more aware of SEX, then my experiences COULD have been more closely aligned with this:

Movie theaters ain’t got nothing on this

Rather than this:

OMG why does his penis move…

Okay, that’s pretty unlikely– sex is always awkward when you first start doing it.  But I would have really liked to know that I had a fucking HOLE that boys were going to try to get at.  Is that really too much to ask?!

So for all you sheltered joonies out there wondering what sex really means, just remember this:

Don’t be afraid to ask questions from someone OTHER than your Irooni mother.  Sometimes the best lessons come from experience.  

But most importantly, BE SAFE.

Make sure hands are clean and nails are trimmed (just sayin’)

Am I the only one who was sheltered enough to NOT know that sex involved penetration?





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